(On going to war over religion) “You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.”
~ Yasir Arrafat

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
~ Carmen Boyle

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
~ Henry Kissenger

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.”
~ Steve Jobs

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
~ Dan Rather

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
~ Courtney Cox

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
~ Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
~ Jerry Garcia

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
~ Axel Rose

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
~ Rev. Jesse Jackson