Below details the final chapter in an uncertain life and the first chapter in a certain life:
I was raised in a strict Christian household, and as early as age 10 I think I fostered doubts about my religion. Since in my home, there was no such thing as other divine truth aside from the Bible, I felt as though I was a prisoner in my own skin. And since I stored these unspoken doubts concerning the only religion I was allowed to practice, I felt all the more alone and isolated. I perceived that my inability to form a relationship with Jesus was rooted in my inherent evilness which I feared I was perpetuating with my uncertain thoughts about the Bible and God. It was a vicious cycle, and I was basically just putting on a good show for my Mom until about age 17. It was then that, despite my increasingly demanding involvement in my church (head of the Youth Group Worship Band, frequent mission trips, administrative work, church twice or more a week) I felt my disguise weakening as I myself started to weaken, physically and mentally.
At age 17 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. About 8 months earlier I had decided I was too fat and then before I knew it I was being fed through a tube in the Hospital. I was unable to eat even if I really wanted to... and I certainly didn't at that point. I had absolutely given up on 'God'. I was confused by the monarchal, patriarchal God that the Bible presented to me, and I thought that he had abandoned me for my doubts and my inability to believe like everyone else in my church and family. But even that didn't make any sense, so at this point I had figured that nothing would ever make sense, no matter how hard I tried or looked. I was absolutely lost and angry at a God that I didn't understand, so I let the darkness overtake me in my illness. As I sank lower and lower I became even more desperate and sick. I did come very close to dying that winter of 2001, and if it had not been for my in–patient and out–patient treatment, I very well may have died. I certainly wanted to die.
Eventually I was stabilized enough to where I could finish high school from home, but I had not by any means, recovered. I was merely attempting to fill that gaping vacuum inside of me with anything, anything at all that wouldn't get me sent back into the hospital.
My parents eventually decided they just couldn't handle me anymore, and agreed to let me go live in Taos, New Mexico for a while to try to get my life together. They could see that my being at home with them in Dallas was not helping the situation, and they were right. I used to visit Taos every year growing up and it really felt like my home on earth, not Dallas, which I absolutely loathed. When I was ready, it was Taos that I was finally called back to. The person that I came back for, that I had met on a summer trip to Taos 5 years earlier, was calling me back, and so was Taos. I didn't know then that infinitely bigger things were in store for me that summer.
When I arrived in Taos, I was a self– conscious, over–thinking, over– sensitive, over–emotional wreck on all sorts of medication that I had been forced to take. When Nic, the one I loved, introduced me to The Urantia Book, all of my problems slowly dissolved all around me and inside of me, as if all of those prayers that I thought were ignored were all finally being answered. Every new page I turned was like a new wonderful discovery. To read the compilations and thoughts of these beautiful celestial personalities that love us, and see all of those concepts and questions that I could never articulate being so perfectly illustrated and answered in full – it was almost more than I could handle at the time! The hole that I had been trying so desperately hard to fill was actually that space reserved for God's infinite, eternal and universal love and mercy. I just needed to ask for it, and accept it. I learned then that I was truly an ascending daughter of my divine mother and father. I had a purpose and destiny and finality in all potential. The desire for righteous adventure that itched in me was fulfilled in promise! Each day is another leap toward the Center of all things, and it will only be the blink of an eye until I embrace Jesus – the sovereign of this universe, and maybe two blinks to my Father in Paradise.
I will for my will to be submitted to the Father. Everyday I am made better; my mind becomes more spiritualized as I focus on my Godward path and leading those around me to the same attainable perfection.
Living Truth is ultimately transforming in all ways. There was no way that I could condone slinking back into a dark, confused and numb lifestyle. The Mother and Father of heaven, that I love with all of my heart and soul, have made my purpose clear to me and have shown me my little niche that I feared God had forgotten to make for me. The wonderful beauty that beckons to me and admonishes me to acknowledge, share and appreciate it here on this planet, is the same wonderful beauty that admonishes me to recreate, spread and make more beauty where there is existing darkness. I am finally truly liberated in my decision to model my life after Jesus, and in my choice to center my life on ministry with the Revelation. Even though my Mom is infuriated in my new knowledge and truth – never hearing or accepting it – I can never let that hurt me, because I FINALLY have found truth, and nothing she can say or do now can detract from that reality. I just hope that one day she will choose to see it too. I hope the same thing for every other doubting and confused person on this planet. I can't imagine standing by and letting people wallow in despair and darkness as I did, when I have such superlative light, truth, answers, and the living cure for all pain and ailments right here within The Urantia Book.