Home Life Challenges Forgiveness Why can't my wife forgive my adultery?

Why can't my wife forgive my adultery?

Q: I committed adultery on my wife got exposed and confessed, but I asked for forgiveness. Although she says she has forgiven me, her actions show otherwise. What can I do?

A:  I am so sorry to hear of this problem in your life. Adultery is a serious situation, and it is a good thing that you have confessed, but from the way you wrote your question, it sounds as if you confessed because you were found out—not because you wanted to quit your affair. I hope that is not the case. Any continuation of this behavior will work against you and your marriage.

Betrayal is a terrible, and sometimes fatal blow to a relationship. When one marries, the two partners agree to love one another, to trust one another and to be true to one another. When one partner decides to have an affair, this breaks that bond of trust.

In The Urantia Book, trustworthiness is taught as the highest measure of one's character. When trust is broken, it is a very serious matter:

67:1.3 ...And of all forms of evil, none are more destructive of personality status than betrayal of trust and disloyalty to one's confiding friends.

Asking for forgiveness is a good start, but it will take more than that to repair your relationship. Try to put yourself in your wife's position: suppose it was you who had been betrayed? Would you be quick to forgive? It is to her credit that she is forgiving of you, but you say that her actions indicate that she has not really forgiven. It could be that her heart wants to forgive, but in her mind, she is probably torn, worried that you might not be sincere, and heartbroken that you have not kept your part of your marriage vow. I am sure that you can understand this...again, how would YOU feel if the tables were turned? How long would it take you to forgive? How long before you could forget?

Returning to "normal" will take some time. You will have to prove yourself to your wife all over again before she can trust you as she once did. In this case, actions will speak much louder than mere words of regret. You now have to prove to her all over again that you can be trusted. Only you know your wife and what it might take to regain her trust, but I suggest that you stay close to home, be as helpful as possible, and stay in close communication with her. Also, it is vital that you renounce the affair, and quit seeing the other woman.

I might also suggest marriage counseling, if your wife is willing...

Thanks again for writing with this unfortunate problem. I hope that my reply is helpful to you."

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:: Author: Staff