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 Post subject: Children and Violence
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Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:24 am +0000
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My husband and I raised our children, an older girl and a boy younger by 4 years, without any violence. No TV violence, no toys that were violent, no video games that were violent, no contact sports until they were at least 15 etc etc.

It was rough, we returned some toys, we tossed some toys, we had one TV so it could be monitored. But we taught them that violence is not funny or acceptable.

We did teach them to stand up for themselves, but they learned to warn the person and then only do what was needed to keep them safe.

Now as adults (our son will turn 21 shortly) they do not simply dismiss it, they did/have not become desensitized to violence and the pain of others. They are very compassionate adults and we are very proud of them.

I just wondered if anyone else here had or is now bringing their children up this way?

Dana
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Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 4:08 am +0000
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Dana, You know I think you and your husband are to be commended. It is my hope that some day positive TV will be commercially as well as personally more desirable then negative TV by the majority of people.

I haven't been as diligent as you with what my children are permitted to watch. But as a matter of choice I would help them choose positive shows when they were younger and prohibited other negative shows while explaining that they were just too negative as we watched PBS, Nova, family channel, learning channel etc together. As they made more and more choices on their own. They would watch negative or violence on TV and in the movies or with their cousins and friends. BUT they also appreciated and watched positive shows and encouraged there friends and cousins to do so.

The thing I like about what they learned is that they too are compassionate and they recognize the difference between what is Positive and what is Negative. So I've seen them with their friends when their friends would tell them "It's OK lets do it. Who cares" I've overheard them tell their friends you know that's wrong. Instead of doing something negative why don't we do something positive instead. It can be just as much if not more fun and we won't get in trouble.

Then I felt good. Like at least what I was able too do as a positive influence on them helped.

God Bless you and your family Dana! Be Well!

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Joe - The more we discover how much we are Loved by God, the more we want to do God's Will.
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I can appreciate any attempt to raise children without them being confronted with violence -- childhood should be a time of innocence. TV, movies, and video games require strong censorship by actively involved parents. Still, children need to not be sheltered from an understanding of violence -- one does run the risk of feminizing boys as well as raising girls who become easy victims. So a balance has to be struck.

I believe every female child should be raised with a solid martial arts background, boys too, but particluarly girls. Martial arts, if learned from a true martial artist, instills discipline, self confidence, awareness of one's surroundings, and the ability to cope with violence and not become a victim.
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I think the feminizing boys is pretty much a wives tail. Lack of violence in a child's environment does not create a sissy it is about HOW the child is raised not the violence involved. So few children are raised the way ours were it's not possible to get an actual study on it though.

We raised our son to lead. The wimpy boys I see have had a a parent to solve every problem for them. But problems can be solved without ANY violence. The presence or lack of violence is a different topic.

We did not do the martial arts route. I agree it can be good even great, especially for children with little personal power and will, or those who need to lengthen attention spans. I know a lot of adult women who are so passive they are not even effective Mothers, they could use the classes.

But just for the fun of debate isn't teaching children TO fight violent in itself? I guess you will say it avoids fights. But In MY opinion children always like to show off what they have become proficient at. Does this not tend to make physical conflict more attractive? Especially for those children who have more aggressive personalities?

Anyway to counter the comment that lack of violence can (yes I know you can, not will) make boys effeminate. Here is some of the history of a child who literally had no violence growing up.

4.0 student
Captain of 3 Varsity sports including (football, basketball, baseball)
Student counsel pres.
Received need based 4 year university scholastic scholarship (only 2 in state given out)
Is currently in leadership role in student gov in college
Is currently Resident assistant (dorm police)

So it is absolutely possible for children to be raised with the understanding that violence and killing are not acceptable and be very successful and have personal power. He says the only thing he really felt like he missed were the transformer toys LOL. They turned from monsters into killer robots or such. He also laughs remembering that on his luigi video game I insisted the little man was not killed he just disappeared LOL.

Christ did say in the UB that he would not raise a hand towards another of God's children. How do YOU define this in regard to the martial arts?

Dana :)
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I do believe you are to be rewarded with an A+ as a parent. The real A+ is your part in developing a capable, well-balanced young adult. Having a child (boy or girl) involved in sports may be the perfect exposure to a proper measure of violence in society.

Certainly sports can be violent. The violence in football is more than enough to ensure no wimpiness is in the son's character. Even baseball can be very violent (runner banging into the catcher in an attempt to score).

Let me bring up one of my heroes. Van in TUB stood up to the Pl Prince. The bravery and true leadership Van manifested was tougher and more impressive than "mere physical violence." For me - Van was "all man" in the deepest sense of that word.
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Dana,

I also applaude your parenting skills-well done! I have a question. The choice to answer is yours. Do you or your husband believe in spanking children as a way to correct unacceptable behavior?

Randy

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Yes we did some. We did teach our children that sometimes violence is needed, like if a bully is hurting you, you may need to deck him.

We spanked our children when they did something that was dangerous to themselves or others. Our daughter when she was 4 decided she would get up get dressed and take her fisher price horse for a ride out into the neighborhood at 6 am. She even managed to get the deadbolt open. She got spanked for that one. She had enough fun on her outing we felt it was needed.

Some children need a swat or spanking now and then some do not. I think if parents begin from day one expecting good behavior there is less to correct later. If you don't have control of your 2 year old you won't have control of your 16 year old.
We were very strict parents actually. Our children were not allowed to tell us "no". They could say "I prefer not to" or "can I do it later" or when they were little "I don't want to" etc etc. But not NO. I think out of control children are a danger to themselves and others so whatever is needed to keep them safe should be used. For some children time outs are not enough for some a "look" is plenty.

I think the trick is to use enough "force" of hand or consiquences or voice to make the child think twice before they do something they know they will get into trouble for. But it has to be tempered with enough room for the child to grow. It's a tricky job this parenting thing. I do believe that a fmaily member should raise the children, not a daycare (yes even when they are older). But the biggest rule is NEVER PUNISH A CHILD WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY!!!

We had 13 kids that came and went 7 days a week in addition to our 2 for about 5 years. I did in home day care and you have to run a tight ship when that many kids are involved. It was odd that most were much better behaved for me than their parents LOL. Looking back I am glad they were LOL.

Dana
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Joined: Fri Sep 24, 2004 1:04 pm +0000
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Dana,

I believe the Real Test of how BALANCED a person or family is with respect to working in Love and Discipline is the arena of child-rearing. Excellent child-rearing is about as vastly important as anything is in society.

Many couples do a terrible job with their kids because they are deeply misinformed about the Love-Discipline relationship. Congrats again on earning an A+.

FB2
Chairperson of the InterGalactic System of Grading Individuals and Families in Issues of Love-Discipline Relationships
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