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Hi Conrad,
Great post - and I can certainly relate. In fact, when I first found that quote you cited, I immediately recognized myself as one who had had a "stormy labor." It was comforting to me to read that my experience was real. It was validation for me, and instantly rang true, as does the book overall.
I was a person who, early on, rejected organized religion - in my case, Catholicism - and it was quite traumatic to do so. I had had 18+ years of strict Catholic upbringing, complete with daily Mass and nuns in black habits and thorough indoctrination. I was weary of it, and headstrong as only the young can be...Unfortunately, I had not the wisdom to realize that rejecting the religion did not mean I had to reject God, so I pretty much put him on the shelf, too. For all those years of religious education, I did not know God at all. So sad...I still believed in Jesus, for he had the truest things to say. One of the reasons that I rejected Catholicism was that the reality was so unlike Jesus' teachings. Lip-service, but not in the real world that I saw. There was so much hypocrisy...and I was a rebel. I am still the black sheep in my very-Catholic family.
In any event, I then embarked on a nearly 20-year walk in the wilderness, where I relied mainly on my own judgment, my own will, to make my life work. I was confused, disappointed, angry, selfish, self-centered, and determined to have my way. Life had taught me early-on that I was the only person that I could really trust (or so I thought...) This kind of attitude was quite destructive of my personal life...
After those many years with no spiritual moorings at all, the chickens came home to roost, and I found myself in serious trouble - financially, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. I entered into a deep, black depression from which I could see no light whatsoever. This lasted for many weeks, during which time I could only cry and cry. Somewhere in there, I surrendered. I laid down my arms and just surrendered one day. I began praying the prayers of my youth - the Our Father, the Hail Mary...I began going to Mass...I was desperate to understand what to do next. Even though it was a return to the church, still I realize now that this was the beginning of my re-birth. It was the surrender that did it, for it was truly sincere...I was a beaten woman in so many ways...
When I found The Urantia Book not long after this time, I truly understood that I WAS being born-again, and I was overjoyed. I remember reading the book and thinking that if I kept reading, I was going to have to seriously change my life. And, armed with the beginnings of that joyous response of my soul to my change of heart, I began taking those steps that WOULD change me. Finding The Urantia Book helped me to re-wean myself from the authority of the church, for I now saw clearly - and was validated - that my original divorcement from the church was a good thing...the religion of personal spiritual experience became my all-consuming desire. And I was not disappointed. I saw hope again...God rushed in to fill the void as soon as I opened my heart. My weakness brought all of his strength to me.
My mind became engaged in a higher purpose, my moral development started to regenerate, and my spirit became watered and fed for the first time in many, many years. I was truly a famished soul...
That was in 1985...my life has never been the same since. I have had to back-pedal, I have had to atone (in my own ways) some bad behaviors, I have had to tear down completely my old life - I realized that my life was built on shifting sands - and build a brand new, solid foundation upon which to stand. And it has been a long and painful process, especially at the beginning...very stormy indeed, but full of increasing joy and that peace that passes all understanding.
Have not laid all of this out in a long time, so I thank you for the opportunity to revisit those times, and thank God once again for never forgetting me, for never allowing me to completely destroy myself, for always watching over me, even when I paid him no mind whatsoever. In retrospect, I see it all so clearly. At the time, all on my own, I felt so alone...no more...
God bless you...
MaryJo
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