I apologize for taking so long to finish this. I just got some free time from work to focus my energy's to this telling.
As I said before all of this is up to the reader to intrepid, to believe or not.
How it has changed my life it all the evedance I need.
So here we are: if you can imagine as a result of that nights experience I was not able to act as if nothing had happened, and for many days after I kept coming to work unable to say any thing to any one about what I experienced.
The thoughts in my mind were many and every day I was not sure of my self, Did I belong here, what am I supposed to do with my life? Was that real? Can I hurt people and be okay with it now? I was walking through my job and life with nothing more than instinct doing as I had for many years, keeping up the routine.
For some time ( I think a few months 2 or 3 ) nothing big had happened in the club or in my life, still perplexed and with out any answers.
One night I was driving home ... I lived out side of town so I had to drive through some (at that time) old roads that had no street lights, I came over a small hill and down into a valley where I had a wide open view of the sky,.. to my left I notice a flask of light and turned to see one of those thunder heads that come off the coast, A mass of clouds filled with a dazzling display of lighting dancing through it, nothing hitting the ground ... just creating a spectacle of aw ..each combination of lightning enhancing your ability to see the shapes and curves of the clouds filled with caverns and tall peaks, round columns of billowing mass.. this singular mass of clouds were enhanced more by a clear starry night. One mass cloud against a sky of stars and my mind and heart was touch.
I thought to my self there must be some thing in this world responsible for such a sight, I mean there has to be a Higher consciousness to create a world that has sights like this... to have created all the element that could pull of what to my mind was the most amazing light show I had ever seen.
I should tell you that I did slow down while driving, I actually pulled off the road and drove up a hill in my El Camino, ..parked, got out of my car to stand in amazement till the thought that a God must be responsible for this.
Look: I grow up in Houston till age 14 and had seen lighting storms my whole life always thinking they were amazing, So I have no idea why this one moved me as it did. I had seen storms that made you want to run and hide.. LoL ...but this one had something else.. I was in aw.
All the sudden I thought to my self this is as good as any to attempt to talk to ...well...I don't know ...It
you know that thing most call God.
But I had had my fill with what most had called God so as I stood there and began to define what I may hopefully be talking to.
Sounded some thing like this:
Okay, if you exist and you created every thing, you have to know what is in me, all of us. I mean you have to know why we do what we do, and don't judges us like all that Hell Fire Damnation and Brimstone crap I grew up with. If you are real you have to be about Unconditional Love with out boundaries or limits. You have to see what motivates us in to the things we do even if we make mistakes.
And so I went on and on..till I found my self just talking... some what self-conscious ( thinking that if some one saw me here talking to the air like this they would think me a nut job) but I pushed it out of my mind as I kept talking...I guess I became comfortable with this because I suddenly erupted with an emotional fervor... asked why was my life so kissed up, why did all the things that I had to endure happen to me...I mean, I went off,.. I was asking about my Father and Mom, and all the fights I had had,Everything.
If the word VENTING ever fit a moment in life this was it.
At the peak of this emotional display, I suddenly said ..”and while I'm at it what the kiss was that, that happen to me the other day what the kiss was that all about”
I have to tell you that it felt good to be talking this way, but I was not prepared for what happened next!
I want to give words to this so every one understands what I experienced from this point on but I feel I will fail in doing so. I hope this is met with some degree of understanding to the task in which it is to convey.
I never heard a voice, let me make that clear. But it was very clear to me that as I asked a question all the sudden the answers became undeniably obvious. I just knew at that very moment what the truth to that question was, kind of a “Dah” moment.
As moment after moment pasted it was like ( this is a metaphor here so don't take this literal) I was standing in some bleachers looking down on a field watching my life unfold before me for every question I had I saw the cause and affect of every thing, It all began to make sense and I began to feel as if all my burdens that had been stacking up on my back and shoulders all these year where disappearing. Every feeling of victim hood vanished. My life for the first time made sense to me and I did not blame any one for it, I was more in a state of forgiveness than any thing else.
As that became clearer to me, after some time had passed... I to my surprise, with out missing a beat “Said these words”
( I give my life to you and commit my self to helping other ) it was an instinctive thing in me to do this. I mean it felt like the most natural thing to do when I said it and I felt it in every ounce of my being as I said it.
Now this part I guess you all will have to come up with your own understanding for this.
To use the word hit is incorrect, but I don't know any other word to us, I did not fall back which would be the reaction if I was hit by some thing. but I did feel a force come at me and hit me in the chest, fill my body and in a split second was conscious of this energy coming out my finger tips and hair as well as my feet.
As this energy expanded I became more conscious of every thing around me. I could not move but I could see and feel on a level I have no word to convey I looked over at a tree that was to my right just past were I had parked my El Camino, it was Dark out side but this tree was glowing and I could see it clearer than any thing around me, it had a blueish glow coming off it, I could see it was a living thing, I began to scan the scenery around me and every thing was aglow and alive I looked down the hill and could make out small animals in the bushes ' rabbits' My mind was taking on an awareness that I in one moment thought ( this is beyond me how can I know all of this) I was becoming conscious of every thing all at once as this energy expanded from me out to the farthest horizons I in my mind could sense every thing...I have no word for this... but as It kept growing in my minds awareness I became with out any doubt aware of “IT”....I all the sudden was conscious of God ( and I say God only because there is not a real word for “IT” and I'm sure this word is the most common for most readers)
(And there was no mistaking it to be the Source and Center of every thing)
I in a singular moment I was conscious of it and it being conscious of me be being conscious if it. I again have no words, but to say we were in each others thoughts completely aware of each other. And I was fill with the most over whelming Love, Peace, Serenity, that word will never be able to convey.
Time stopped for me I did not feel my self breathing I was not aware of any thing for... I have no Idea how long.. I was in bliss, suspended.
The next thought that came to my mind was me becoming aware the the sun was coming up. I began to notice the colors in my environment take place in my visual space. I saw the green in the plants around me and I saw the purple, violet, pink clouds and dark to light Blue sky My first thought was ...the Sun is rising. I looked to my right and starred at my car .. next thought was ...I guess I should go home.
Like a zombie I walked over to my car pulled my keys out of my pocket and opened the door sat down started the car and drove down the hill back on the the road off to my house, Got home and went to bed.
When I awoke it was late in the evening a usual for me back than, I did as I always had done going through the routine of getting ready for work... Right in the middle of it I stopped, and sad to my self,” I don't belong there any more” I paused and thought it threw thinking that if I did not go to work who would protect the girls. I resigned to go and began to formulate my exit from that life.
It took a few months but I enrolled in a community collage and started a journey I have no idea where it will take me other than to do Gods will in my life to the best of my ability's each day as I live it.
It has been over 23 years now and I have had some great adventures and met some amazing people to say I am greatfull is a understatement.
Last edited by J. Barry
on Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:44 pm +0000, edited 1 time in total.