I was 23 years old in 1971, when my 22 year old husband of less than 5 months committed suicide. We had both graduated from Cornell and that is where he jumped off a bridge on the campus. I was in a complete state of shock and disbelief.
A couple of months later, I found myself living on the island of Jamaica with two friends. I had first seen The Urantia Book a few months before Allen's sudden death. We both learned of it when we were living in Colorado for a short time, and a mutual friend would read passages from it to us. I didn't understand what he was talking about, but I recall having a notion that this was a holy book.
I grew up in a mostly secular, intellectual Jewish household. I was the only child of Jewish parents, adopted at the age of 4 months. It was many years later, after having read The Urantia Book a couple of times, that I learned my original parents had been Holocaust survivors. But I grew up knowing practically nothing about God or Jesus. I was terrified at the thought of dying and existing no more. All I knew of Jesus was that he was someone the Christians believed in and an occasional curse word around our house.
I began reading The Urantia Book shortly after arriving in Jamaica with my two friends. Ron, who had read the excerpts in Colorado had gone to Ithaca, New York, along with his girlfriend, and now we were together in Jamaica where Ron had reached the section on Thought Adjusters. I don't recall the exact passage, but his words deeply resonated truth to me. So I began reading about Thought Adjusters and read ravenously. I also took walks in the beautiful coastal village where we stayed, and started having little talks with God. I had been reading the book for a few weeks when I had, what I like to think of as, MY SPIRITUAL AWAKENING.
I was on the beach with my two friends on a beautiful afternoon. We had the beach to ourselves on this magnificent day in tropical paradise, with crystal clear turquoise water and soft, silky sand below. I was miserable, though. Tears poured down my face as I sobbed. Deep within I felt responsible for Allen's death. I felt compelled to walk out into the ocean and keep going farther and farther until I drowned. I felt that I had to kill myself to make things right within, but another part of me didn't want to die. It was a tug of war iin my heart and soul. In the midst of this anguish, I felt a presence come to me and say, in a silent voice, "You don't have to die. I love you. I don't want you to die." I was cradled in this comforting presence. I'm not sure if I immediately realized this was Jesus or the Spirit of Jesus, but I felt a deep sense of peace and and calm come over me. I was truly reborn in that instant.
Shortly after this experience I received a telegram to call home. My father had suffered a severe heart attack and was in intensive care. My mother had a series of illnesses beginning in my early teenage years. She had most recently suffered a stroke that left her both mentally and physically debilitated. I had grown up in a sheltered environment and now, all of a sudden, everyone and everything I knew was shattered. Yet, I was filled with the Spirit and saw the world compleely differently. For the first time, I experienced a real sense of hope, excitement, even delight. How could this be? Everyone around me it seems was dead, dying or deathly ill and I was uplifted and positive.
In the decades that have passed, my adoptive parents both died. I was never able to find my birth parents or any members of my original family, although I did find out information about them. I've never remarried or had any children, so I don't know what it is to be related to someone genetically. My family are the kindred spirits I connect with spiritually. I see that we are all related, children of our Father, children of God. I rejoice in the gifts God has given and although I've had some dark and trying times, I have to say that The Urantia Book has helped me through and given me a joyful, postive outlook on life. I am regularly comforted in the loving arms of our Master and uplifted by the spiritual forces that so lovingly minister to us all.